I’ve Said What I’ve Said  February 12th

And what I’ve said is a lot of swearing. If we also counted how many times I’ve thought “shit” or “fuck” or some variation this semester, the number would get pretty high. I’m kind of a mess right now. I’ve kind of been in a funk lately. I’m kind of really stressed out. None of this should be happening, none of these problems should exist, but they do, and well, yeah.

Why do I do this to myself? How do I get into these situations?

I think the shit’s hit the fan.

First of all, Physical Chemistry is kicking my ass, as can be expected when we’re learning quantum mechanics. I think I’ve just got a hold on classical mechanics (thanks to my job), and now I’m learning about everything that deviates from those principles. And the more I think about and do the math, the more I feel it’s all falling out through my ears. (Hello calculus, it’s been two years. Please return to my mind, kthanks.) And the more I sit in that classroom—I have three classes in there—the worse it gets. Whether I’m in P Chem or Organic Spectroscopy, my brain cops out, and I really just feel like leaping out the one window. No, I don’t want to use the door or fall asleep or skip class in general—I want to leap out the effing window. It’s on the first floor. Sure doesn’t seem too crazy to me.

So I have two options: I can either roll over and surrender or I can work my ass off and triumph gloriously. Of course I’m not just going to lay myself down and die, but I don’t feel ready for this challenge. I can assure you that I have never worked as hard as I will need to in order to succeed now. I can guarantee you that nothing will ever be more intellectually difficult in my life. And I am certain that if I make it through this, it will have been the most character-building thing I have ever done. But dammit, I need not to go it alone.

Second of all, I am super distracted. I have totally fallen and hit the concrete for someone, and my mind is often churning to figure it out. I have become ultimate creeper, conveniently being in certain places at certain times, because otherwise I would never see him. And it’s just a problem because even if he were interested, I don’t think we should do anything because I have lot to do! But fuck, no matter what happens, I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get what I need to do done! I’m going crazy here. Someone’s gonna have to toss me in the loony bin soon.

I really just want to be friends with him, but what I consciously want doesn’t always correspond to how I feel. I just wish that I had the nerve and that I could get him alone long enough to let him know what’s going on because I need to get this out in the open. I really just need to be honest now. I hope that if this happens—and hopefully it does soon—everything turns out okay. I think that we could have a great, healthy friendship, and I kind of really need one right now.

Because P Chem is kicking my ass. I need someone who gets it—who understands my current misery. I’m going to burn before I rise again. I don’t know who’s gonna be there for it.