In the meantime, I will be attempting not to die this semester, amidst Physical Chemistry, research, work, and my two other classes which occasionally demand my time. Hope you all have been doing well.

I am not doing my lab report because my data does not look like the examples in the textbook or the handouts, so I don’t know how to analyze it. Will, the TA, hasn’t emailed me back. I told him I would email him on Thursday or Friday. I emailed him on Friday. Granted, it was at 10:30 at night on Friday, but still. I didn’t tell a lie. But now I can’t do my lab report because I don’t know what’s happening at all. Also, Excel for Mac doesn’t appear to have the data analysis tool that he wants us to use to analyze the data. My data is weird so it probably isn’t worth analyzing anyway. But yeah. Last week I said I thought the shit had hit the fan already. It didn’t. I was fine. But it may have now. It just may have.

At least my group for my education project is doing well so far. We have to teach a 50-minute lesson to our class later this semester. We are doing ours on crystal meth. Oh yes, we are teaching about drugs. We gonna talk all about its structure and properties and how it affects biological activity and such. Our purpose and objectives look the most well thought out among all of the groups in class (we post them online), so I think we are kicking some butt here. And the other science education group? They are doing an astronomy lesson on the solar system. I think ours is automatically cooler. I mean, drugs are culturally relevant. We win.

On Ash Wednesday, my friends convinced me that I should give up creeping on my crush for Lent, since I’m Catholic and all, and traditionally we try to give up something during this time. It’s kind of hard. I’m not allowed to Facebook stalk him. I’m also not allowed to linger in certain places where I know I might see him if I have no business there. It’s a challenge. But I was good on Friday. I didn’t creep on him, but I saw him three times throughout the day anyway. We passed each other on campus, and we waved at each other. It made me happy. Of course, it would make me a lot happier if we saw each other for more than four seconds… and if we would do something non-academic together at some point… we shall see what happens. Eilish says I’m allowed to have accomplices do some creepin’ for me, so maybe a little subtle investigating on my behalf will help me figure out where to step next. Or maybe he’ll get the hint. Before I started doing research for credit, I used to do homework on Monday mornings in the Atrium of the Life Science Building where he has a class, and he would sit with me afterward. Now I can’t do that, whether I was creeping or not. So it’s making me a little crazy that we never really see each other. I really like him. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Why do I do this to myself? How do I get into these situations?

I think the shit’s hit the fan.

First of all, Physical Chemistry is kicking my ass, as can be expected when we’re learning quantum mechanics. I think I’ve just got a hold on classical mechanics (thanks to my job), and now I’m learning about everything that deviates from those principles. And the more I think about and do the math, the more I feel it’s all falling out through my ears. (Hello calculus, it’s been two years. Please return to my mind, kthanks.) And the more I sit in that classroom—I have three classes in there—the worse it gets. Whether I’m in P Chem or Organic Spectroscopy, my brain cops out, and I really just feel like leaping out the one window. No, I don’t want to use the door or fall asleep or skip class in general—I want to leap out the effing window. It’s on the first floor. Sure doesn’t seem too crazy to me.

So I have two options: I can either roll over and surrender or I can work my ass off and triumph gloriously. Of course I’m not just going to lay myself down and die, but I don’t feel ready for this challenge. I can assure you that I have never worked as hard as I will need to in order to succeed now. I can guarantee you that nothing will ever be more intellectually difficult in my life. And I am certain that if I make it through this, it will have been the most character-building thing I have ever done. But dammit, I need not to go it alone.

Second of all, I am super distracted. I have totally fallen and hit the concrete for someone, and my mind is often churning to figure it out. I have become ultimate creeper, conveniently being in certain places at certain times, because otherwise I would never see him. And it’s just a problem because even if he were interested, I don’t think we should do anything because I have lot to do! But fuck, no matter what happens, I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get what I need to do done! I’m going crazy here. Someone’s gonna have to toss me in the loony bin soon.

I really just want to be friends with him, but what I consciously want doesn’t always correspond to how I feel. I just wish that I had the nerve and that I could get him alone long enough to let him know what’s going on because I need to get this out in the open. I really just need to be honest now. I hope that if this happens—and hopefully it does soon—everything turns out okay. I think that we could have a great, healthy friendship, and I kind of really need one right now.

Because P Chem is kicking my ass. I need someone who gets it—who understands my current misery. I’m going to burn before I rise again. I don’t know who’s gonna be there for it.

One of the reasons I’m excited to go back to school is to see everyone again. At this point, I feel pretty far detached from most of the people I was friends with in high school; honestly, I’ve only really kept in touch with a couple people. I’ve made some great friends in college so far, and I look forward to seeing them again. This past semester, I’ve started to hang out more with people who are in my major, and I’m really happy about that. Obviously, as part of Alpha Chi Sigma, I do a lot of stuff with science-oriented people, but I’ve begun to spend time with some of the brothers as well as non-brother chem or biochem majors outside of class and AXΣ, too. While it’s wonderful to be friends with people outside of chemistry as it gives me a break from it whether not I need one, it’s also great to be friends with people who are in it with me—people who truly understand both the joys and miseries we experience as science majors. I just can’t wait to see everyone again and have a good time.

I’m also looking forward to my classes, too. Of course I’ve always loved school, but I think some of my classes will be really interesting this semester. There is some nerd content ahead, so if you really want me to cut to the chase, then here ya go—I think my academics are going to be a fun time. Here’s what I’m taking this semester:

• Physical Chemistry II – First of all, the same professor who taught Physical Chemistry I last semester is teaching this one, and I really love him. He’s a nice, adorable grandpa-like figure, and he says some funny things sometimes. (“If you don’t believe in the second law [of thermodynamics], then you can’t be in this class.”) The course content should be pretty interesting, too.
• Physical Chemistry II Lab – This class will not be taught by the same professor as last semester, which automatically makes it better than PChem I Lab.
• Organic Spectroscopy – I’m really excited for this class. Basically, we’re going to learn about different techniques that allow us to learn more about the structures of organic molecules. You know MRI, the imaging technology they might use on you at the hospital? Well, that is essentially the same technology as NMR, which is one of the things we’re studying.
• Study of Teaching – This is my education course, if you couldn’t figure that out. Our field placements are in the suburbs for this class, and I’m pretty excited about that. I’m more interested in teaching in the suburbs when I become a teacher for realz, so naturally I’m looking forward to heading out to the ‘burbs.
• Romanesque Art – Although I don’t have a strong interest in the Romanesque period, the instructor for this class is supposed to be pretty cool. She’s originally from Spain, so that’s awesome.

You see, I care about people. Sometimes I think I don’t; I have to remind myself that I’m not totally heartless, as if I’m really heartless at all. Anyway, that’s why I do the things I do. True, I love writing and this is a great outlet for me, but I also love making connections. I love to give back and share my time, just as you all are sharing your time with me right now. We’re a human network, and I like to believe that the little things we’re doing for each other online—sharing our stories and listening to others—really makes a difference. It does to me.

It’s also why I’m a scientist. I would never do well as someone researching alone for something that people can’t relate to. That’s why I said I would go into oncology; cancer can affect anyone and everyone. With chemistry, maybe we can create new compounds to treat it. Or maybe we can find new ways to detect it sooner. Chemistry isn’t just that shitty class you dread going to every day. It is the central science, and with science, we can do wonders.

And that is why I’m a teacher. Hopefully, fewer people will think of the sciences as useless and irrelevant—have you ever whined, “When am I ever going to uuuuuuuse this?”—once I’m done with them, and hopefully, just hopefully, I will change people’s lives just as many of my teachers have changed mine. I’m out to make a difference. And this complacency that has plagued me for the past… couple years, even, hasn’t allowed me to do that to the best of my ability. I teach kids physics. Do they all hate it at the end? Yeah, most of them. Do any of them appreciate it any more than when they started? Maybe one. And what about the kids I advise? What about them? What have I done?

So I’m out to make a difference, because I care about people. That’s what I’m doing here.